Editor’s note: The following dispatch upholds a longtime Times-Shamrock tradition.
NEWS FLASH!
URGENT HOLIDAY BULLETIN FROM THE NORTH POLE!
POWER OUTAGE PUTS CHRISTMAS IN JEOPARDY!
A WORRIED WORLD AWAITS WORD!
CHRISTMAS TOWN — It all started late last night as Santa and his elves made final preparations for the jolly old elf’s annual jaunt around the globe. The reindeer had just finished an extra helping of magic oats and gone to bed when it happened: ALL THE POWER WENT OUT!
This reporter was only able to get this dispatch to the Republican-Herald newsroom by asking Chief Sleigh Mechanic Harry Hollyberry to hook a laptop up to Rudolph’s red nose.
“Better make it quick, Timmy!” Harry said. “Rudolph is the only power source we have left, and the little guy hasn’t had much sleep! We have a million-billion toys to finish, and we’re gonna need a miracle to get The Big Guy’s sleigh off the ground! The Believe-O-Meter is completely out of juice!”
The Believe-O-Meter, of course, is the one-of-a-kind device that gauges the strength and frequency of belief in Santa Claus and gives his sleigh enough thrust to travel around the world in a single night. The power outage also knocked out the Christmas Spirit Reactor, a giant antenna array that gathers and refines Christmas spirit from all over the world. The reactor generates a magic glow that powers Christmas Town.
“Everything was working just fine 24 hours ago,” Harry Hollyberry said, scratching his aching head. “I wish I knew what caused this! Maybe then I could fix it.”
Just then, Santa walked in.
“What’s the latest, Harry?” he asked. “Are we flying tonight?”
“I hate to say it, boss, but the Christmas Spirit Reactor is offline, and the Believe-O-Meter is running on empty! I might be able to get a jump from Rudolph’s nose, but —”
“Will it be enough to get us on our way?” Santa interrupted. He doesn’t like to be rude, but this was a serious situation.
“Sure, Santa, but if you run out of power, the sleigh will fall right out of the sky with you, the reindeer and all the toys!” Harry Hollyberry said.
Loretta Poinsettia — who like her sister, Greta, claims to be Santa’s chief spokeself — burst into tears.
“Don’t cry, Loretta,” Santa said, patting her pointy head. “Everything will work out just fine.”
“No it won’t!” she cried. “This is all my fault! I ruined Christmas!”
“No one can ruin Christmas, Loretta,” Santa said with a hearty laugh. “Especially not a good little girl like you!”
“She was texting me, ‘Merry Christmas’ on her cellphone when the power went out,” Greta chimed in.
“We text each other about 4,000 times a day! Sometimes, we text about what we had for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Or how much we love a certain color, a flavor of ice cream or a brand of candy cane! Maybe one of us saw a weird bug or heard a cool song. You’d be surprised at how much trivial stuff there is to text about!”
“I see,” Santa said, frowning. “First of all, you girls are too young to have cellphones! Hand them over.
Secondly, you two are never apart. Loretta, why in the world would you text your sister Christmas greetings when you can do it face to face, heart to heart?’
“Gee, Santa, when you put it that way, it does seem pretty silly,” Loretta replied. “Merry Christmas, Greta!”
“Right back at ya, sister girl!” Greta said, and they hugged so tight the lights flickered.
“Is that little bit of Christmas magic enough to get me off the ground?” Santa asked Harry Hollyberry.
“Maybe, Santa, but like I said, there isn’t enough power to —”
“Never mind that,” Santa said. “Timmy Tinsel, I have an important favor to ask of you!”
“Sure, Santa,” said this reporter. “Anything you need.”
“I need you to write a story telling the boys and girls of Northeastern Pennsylvania how they can help save Christmas. It’s very simple: All they have to do is hug Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa and their brothers and sisters and say, ‘Merry Christmas,’ face to face and heart to heart.
“If I make Northeast Pennsylvania my first stop, I’ll bet I can collect enough Christmas spirit from all the wonderful girls and boys there to get me around the world twice!”
“I’d love to help, Santa,” this reporter replied, “but the story would have to run in the Christmas Eve edition. With the power outage, it’s impossible to get word to Pottsville in time!”
“Ho-ho-ho!” Santa boomed. “To the true believer, nothing is impossible!” He put his finger to the side of his nose, and this story magically appeared on the front page. (I know it sounds fishy, but it’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.)
President Barack Obama read the story and issued an emergency version of Special Executive Order 12/24, which puts the nation on red-and-green alert until Christmas morning. Starting at 5 p.m. today, you can track Santa’s progress at here.
Air traffic controllers at Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport said they hadn’t picked up any sign of Santa’s sleigh as of 6 this morning, but they reported a huge spike in Christmas spirit throughout the region.
“You can just feel it in the air, like a magic glow that makes you feel good from head to toe,” said a controller who declined to be identified for security reasons. “It makes you want to hug somebody.”
Santa usually comes through here about 11 p.m., but the controller said he received word that St. Nick might modify his route and come here first.
“With that in mind, we advise the children of Northeast Pennsylvania to get to bed early, and no peeking!” the controller warned with a merry grin. “If you’re going to help Santa save Christmas, you need a good night’s sleep. Just ask Rudolph.”
(TIMMY TINSEL, the Times-Tribune North Pole Bureau Chief, is columnist Chris Kelly, but don’t tell him.)