There's a lot to be said about saying nothing. Silence is not merely the absence of words, but that lack of words sends a strong message.
As a child, my mother didn't tell when I did something she didn't like. She just gave me the silent treatment. Under this heavy cloud of silence, communications were limited to one-word responses to my questions:
Me: "What time is dinner?"
Mom: "Seven."
My mother could withhold speaking to me for extended periods of time, which is tortuous to an adolescent. Once, some offenses of mine caused her to avoid speaking to me for almost two weeks. All I can remember from that experience is the silence was deafening.
Dr. Jeremy Sherman ("The SIlent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing," Psychology Today, Oct. 25, 2011) wrote about how silence can cause significant anxiety when we are waiting for a reply and don't get one. The lack of a response throws us into a quandary as to what to do. Perhaps our message wasn't heard or, possibly, not received. Perhaps they are just pondering what to respond and how to say it. Maybe we should ask if our message was received, but if we do that, it might appear that we are desperate or needy, or both.
Among adolescents, we sometimes find that certain groups conspire to ignore a targeted individual. Name-calling is abusive enough, but to be totally ignored like you don't exist is brutal and, most definitely, bullying. It is a form of shunning, which the Amish do if one of their members leaves the clan. In the case of the Amish, this silent treatment is forever, with no communication with any other members, including family.
Sometimes we are told to "read between the lines." This is a form of silence in which we have to discern a hidden meaning. It is believed that the expression came from the practice of using invisible ink to include hidden messages in correspondences. This practice originated in the middle of the 19th century, though some sources believe it is much older. It is now used to refer to the deciphering of any unclear message, or when we try to understand what a person is really trying to say from what is stated.
We had a friend visiting from New York City. We thought he would enjoy a quiet night's sleep in the country. Turns out, he didn't sleep well at all without the city background noises of sirens and horns. We all know individuals who dislike silence. They must have loud music, the TV blasting and they often talk too much. The expression "silence is golden" has a lot to be said, or rather, not said.
We cannot observe the world around us while we are talking or being bombarded by continual noise. If we are stressed, silence can often help us heal. Quiet meditation prolongs our physical and emotional health. I know several hunters who have shared with me this secret: the real reason they go into the forest is to be surrounded by the quiet and peace of the serene woods.
Creativity blossoms and grows in silence, as does total comfort with a trusted other who does not need constant conversation. When we are angry or hurt, it is best to be silent and collect ourselves before responding.
From Mark Train, who walked and thought along the banks of the Mississippi ("Notebooks"): "The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it."
(Dr. Donna Pinter is founder and director of Psychological Services, of Bloomsburg, Danville and Sunbury. "Slice of Life normally appears on this page the first Sunday of each month.)